Political Deformity

A Handshake of Carbon Monoxide

Exclusive: Leaked Early, Different Draft of Palin’s RNC Speech

With the help of some super-inside GOP operatives, I managed to snag the first draft of Sarah Palin’s speech from the RNC last week. It’s thematically identical to the speech she actually gave, also some of the language is a bit less nuanced. This unedited draft provides good insight into what Palin’s true platform is, before politicos get their hands on it to try and slicken up the message. Full text follows.

Thank you, thank you. I’m so honored to be here, and to run alongside someone like John McCain. For a small-town, gun-loving, baby-keeping hockey mom like me, this is just a dream come true.

I want to begin by asking you–all of you, from the folks in this hall to the American people watching at home–one important question: did you know John McCain was a POW?

It’s true! He was captured and tortured by the Vietnamese. It was a really, really harrowing experience, and it taught him everything he needs to know about helping a country of 300 million people avoid economic recession and lower health care costs.

But enough about John McCain, let’s talk about me: I’m from Alaska! How friggin’ cool is that? I’m just like you, only more backwards! I shoot moose for fun. It’s so awesome. I love guns. Like, seriously, I just love them.

And hey, you know who I’d really like to shoot? Barack Obama. What a fucking loser! What a turd! What a nobody! Harvard Law, community organizer, state senator, full Senator, and winner of a rough-and-tumble Democratic primary? Please! What’s he ever done? He’s a poopface. Do you want a poopface for president? No! All he does is talk–blah, blah, blah. But we all know that speeches don’t make good leaders!

Hey, isn’t this speech so great? I am totally qualified to be second-in-line for the presidency because this speech is so good. (Barack Obama is a poopface!)

Let’s talk about something serious for a second: e-bay. Did you know that I put the state jet up for auction on e-bay? Isn’t that bad-ass?! Think about all the other things I can hawk to the highest bidder if I’m vice-president, like America’s credibility.

Let’s be clear about something: John McCain is ready to lead because he was tortured in Vietnam, and I am ready to lead because I tried to sell something on e-bay and my son plays hockey. Barack Obama is not ready to lead, because he is a poopface. The choice is clear.

I mean, come on! He wrote two books! Two! Do we really want someone who’s thoughtful and reflective in the White House? There’s an old saying in Wasilla: thinking is for Communists, terrorists, and fags. This has been scientifically verified by my pastor. Let me tell you, when I’m out in the woods looking for moose or cheering alongside the hockey rink and calling for the blood of teenagers to be spilled in a bare-knuckle brawl, I’m not doing a whole lot of thinking.

Look, I know that America is a crossroads. We’re entering a recession and our health care costs are skyrocketing, as are the ranks of the uninsured; our international credibility is at an all-time low, and we’re fighting multiple wars; faith in Congress and our leaders has hit rock-bottom; and so on. That’s exactly why you need to vote for me: I am totally, 100% pro-life.

With so many problems in the U.S. right now, there is nothing more important than demanding that women who become pregnant give birth to children who will likely grow up in circumstances not conducive to their welfare and healthy development. We cannot lose sight of our priorities! Like electing a hockey mom who tried to sell something on e-bay, and who is not a poopface like that fucker Barack Obama. Asshole thinks he can just come from nowhere and make a big splash on the national stage? That’s ridiculous! His kids don’t even play hockey!

Think fast: what’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Dogs can’t use computers, and thus can’t put items up for auction on e-bay. Barack Obama is a poopface.

In closing, you don’t want Barack Obama to be president. He is a poopface. I am not. I am one tough-ass bitch, and if you fuck with me I’ll body check you, shoot you, or put you on e-bay. Think about it: I am so hot and yet such a bad-ass. Don’t I just give you a huge boner? This November, vote with your boner.

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September 7, 2008 - Posted by | Humor, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , , , ,

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