Political Deformity

A Handshake of Carbon Monoxide

Is Obama Fighting Back?

There’s an article up over at The American Prospect arguing that yes, Barack Obama actually is playing hardball this campaign season–so nail-biting liberals should relax. The article’s author, Tim Fernholz, points out that Obama hasn’t acted like Kerry 2.0–that is, he hasn’t taken it in the tuchus from low-down, dirty smearers like the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (or, in this case, the low-down, dirty McCain campaign).

This is actually true. The Obama campaign has done a pretty good job of juggling the two primary reactions that you need to play up when an opponent starts playing dirty–and make no mistake, the McCain campaign is playing dirty, suggesting that Obama wants to pervert children and “destroy” Palin as a person. The two responses are (1) righteous indignation and (2) aggressive retaliation.

The Obama camp actually does #1 really well: it turns unapologetic outrage into great political momentum, something Kerry couldn’t do in 2004. Sure, Kerry decried the dirty pool of the Swiftboaters and such, but his campaign never packed the punch you need to turn outrage into momentum, because it never really took the initiative to frame the campaign debate. From day one, Kerry ran as the guy who wasn’t Bush (this is true: one of Kerry’s top campaign advisors talked with me at a bag lunch during an internship back then, and explicitly said that the Kerry campaign strategy was “to be the alternative to Bush.”) In doing so, he limited his ability to turn outrage into something more, something tied into his campaign narrative.

But Obama and Biden, these guys are running on something more. They don’t just want to not be Bush, they are insisting that this country be understood, governed, and engaged with in a much different way than it has been over the past eight years. Thus when the GOP tries to slap them around, they don’t just refute the specific claims, like Kerry did, but they use these instances as representative examples, symptomatic of Republican corruption, selfishness, and failure.

Consider Biden’s recent condemnation of Republicans’ unwillingness to talk about issues and their obsession with character assasination.

This is powerful stuff–why? Because it’s not personal outrage, it’s political outrage–it’s anger that’s entirely consistent with the message of the Obama-Biden campaign. Continue reading


September 11, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Is John McCain an Australian Sleeper Agent?

A while back, lots of people were making a big stink over the fact that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein, and turned it into something of a “fear bomb” used to tie Obama to anti-Americanism, terrorism, and an identity as the scary “other”–basically, a person to whom we shouldn’t entrust our national security.

Eventually, Republicans realized that this was a low blow, even for them, and disavowed the use of “Hussein” as a passive-aggressive slur against Obama. But after months, of in-depth research, sources tell me that the MiddleNameGate isn’t over yet–but this time, the offender is none other than John Sydney McCain.

Yes, that’s right–John McCain’s middle name is Sydney, just like Australia’s largest city. How can we trust McCain with our national security, when he so clearly empathizes with Australia over the U.S.? Just a few weeks ago, sailors form a missile destroyer named the USS John S. McCain (yes, named after McCain), attended a “Hands Across the Sea Concert” in–you guessed it–Sydney, Australia.

Americans should be worried. Australia, after all, started off as a penal colony–McCain’s ties to this island nation clearly indicate a softness on crime and terrorism. Perhaps most damning of all is the photographic evidence that McCain is a no-good Aussie-lover. Remember the picture of Obama in traditional Muslim garb that was circulated around the Internet in hopes of stoking worries that he might in fact be a terrorist? That’s nothing compared to the picture below, dug up from McCain’s own computer, in a folder dubbed “G’day Mate!.”

Truly, this is a man who does not have America’s best interests at heart. Country first, indeed, Senator “Sydney”–so long as that country’s Australia!

Looks like conservatives were right–you really can tell a lot about someone from their middle name.

Note: As you might be able to tell, weekend posts–insofar as there are any–are going to generally be lighter than weekday stuff which is all, y’know, brainy and shit.

September 7, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, Humor, John McCain | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Leaked Early, Different Draft of Palin’s RNC Speech

With the help of some super-inside GOP operatives, I managed to snag the first draft of Sarah Palin’s speech from the RNC last week. It’s thematically identical to the speech she actually gave, also some of the language is a bit less nuanced. This unedited draft provides good insight into what Palin’s true platform is, before politicos get their hands on it to try and slicken up the message. Full text follows.

Thank you, thank you. I’m so honored to be here, and to run alongside someone like John McCain. For a small-town, gun-loving, baby-keeping hockey mom like me, this is just a dream come true.

I want to begin by asking you–all of you, from the folks in this hall to the American people watching at home–one important question: did you know John McCain was a POW?

It’s true! He was captured and tortured by the Vietnamese. It was a really, really harrowing experience, and it taught him everything he needs to know about helping a country of 300 million people avoid economic recession and lower health care costs.

But enough about John McCain, let’s talk about me: I’m from Alaska! How friggin’ cool is that? I’m just like you, only more backwards! I shoot moose for fun. It’s so awesome. I love guns. Like, seriously, I just love them.

And hey, you know who I’d really like to shoot? Barack Obama. What a fucking loser! What a turd! What a nobody! Harvard Law, community organizer, state senator, full Senator, and winner of a rough-and-tumble Democratic primary? Please! What’s he ever done? He’s a poopface. Do you want a poopface for president? No! All he does is talk–blah, blah, blah. But we all know that speeches don’t make good leaders!

Hey, isn’t this speech so great? I am totally qualified to be second-in-line for the presidency because this speech is so good. (Barack Obama is a poopface!)

Let’s talk about something serious for a second: e-bay. Did you know that I put the state jet up for auction on e-bay? Isn’t that bad-ass?! Think about all the other things I can hawk to the highest bidder if I’m vice-president, like America’s credibility.

Let’s be clear about something: John McCain is ready to lead because he was tortured in Vietnam, and I am ready to lead because I tried to sell something on e-bay and my son plays hockey. Barack Obama is not ready to lead, because he is a poopface. The choice is clear.

I mean, come on! He wrote two books! Two! Do we really want someone who’s thoughtful and reflective in the White House? There’s an old saying in Wasilla: thinking is for Communists, terrorists, and fags. This has been scientifically verified by my pastor. Let me tell you, when I’m out in the woods looking for moose or cheering alongside the hockey rink and calling for the blood of teenagers to be spilled in a bare-knuckle brawl, I’m not doing a whole lot of thinking.

Look, I know that America is a crossroads. We’re entering a recession and our health care costs are skyrocketing, as are the ranks of the uninsured; our international credibility is at an all-time low, and we’re fighting multiple wars; faith in Congress and our leaders has hit rock-bottom; and so on. That’s exactly why you need to vote for me: I am totally, 100% pro-life.

With so many problems in the U.S. right now, there is nothing more important than demanding that women who become pregnant give birth to children who will likely grow up in circumstances not conducive to their welfare and healthy development. We cannot lose sight of our priorities! Like electing a hockey mom who tried to sell something on e-bay, and who is not a poopface like that fucker Barack Obama. Asshole thinks he can just come from nowhere and make a big splash on the national stage? That’s ridiculous! His kids don’t even play hockey!

Think fast: what’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Dogs can’t use computers, and thus can’t put items up for auction on e-bay. Barack Obama is a poopface.

In closing, you don’t want Barack Obama to be president. He is a poopface. I am not. I am one tough-ass bitch, and if you fuck with me I’ll body check you, shoot you, or put you on e-bay. Think about it: I am so hot and yet such a bad-ass. Don’t I just give you a huge boner? This November, vote with your boner.

September 7, 2008 Posted by | Humor, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , , , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Rudy!

McCain and Palin are walking around and waving as the theme from “Rudy” plays in the background. I would have preferred the theme to “Jurassic Park.” Because McCain is really old, get it? GET IT?


UPDATE: Christ Almighty, now they’re playing “Barracuda.” That’s almost as clumsily literal-minded as my Jurassic Park joke.

UPDATE 2: I just realized that “Rudy” could be construed as a reference to Rudy Giuliani. It’s not. I’m talking about this.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: McCain Goes Obama

McCain is now talking about how he wants to work with Democrats to do the peoples’ work, partisanship-be-damned. He says he’ll take anyone’s hand to get things done, that he’ll have Democrats in his administration, and that everyone needs to work together for the sake of change.

Surely it’s a sign that Republicans are panicking if they’re lifting, wholesale, Barack Obama’s central campaign message, no?

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, John McCain | , , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: McCain Doesn’t Do Arenas

John McCain really isn’t cut out for big, spectacle orations. He’s to sneery, and his voice is too much of a hiss–I feel like his cadence and tone always comes off like he’s scolding someone. It’s strangely patronizing…I can’t quite put my finger on it. But you can understand why he prefers town halls to large-scale speeches: he’s much more suited for in-your-face commentary than the broad, epic rhetoric of arena-style politics. His voice just doesn’t carry, and his rhythm doesn’t flow like Obama’s.

Whaddya think, am I being too harsh?

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Heeeere’s Johnny!

Okay, first off: George W. Bush is getting applause for his leadership after 9/11. Yes, seriously.

Second: McCain’s smile terrifies me. It always looks like he’s trying to hide something, or trying to not fall into a murderous fit of rage. Exhibit A:

Only thing creepier? His use of “My Friends.”

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Biography Overload

Okay, I can’t take this anymore. The entire RNC is built around the idea that the Republican candidates–and even their families–are people you should like and admire, regardless of where they stand on particular issues. Cindy McCain is now lauding her children for serving in Iraq, as though the service of her son is an indication of her husband’s competence as would-be president.

Now she’s saying that her father was “a true Western gentleman” and that “his handshake was his solemn oath.” OKAY! I GET IT! The pedigree of the Republican candidates is impeccable! These are ‘good, decent people.’

But come on! The economy is entering a recession and wages have stagnated since the 1970s; we’re spending an unsustainable $2.1 trillion on health care and almost one-fifth of America lacks health insurance; one out of every 99 Americans is in prison; we’re fighting two wars at once–three, if you count the so-called ‘Global War on Terror’ as its own entity; and we have a deep, possibly unsalvageable, deficit.

Tell me, Cindy McCain, how is your father’s firm handshake going to address these problems?

Really, to ignore these issues in favor of lauding your family tree–which has been a recurring strategy of this Republican Convention–is just disgraceful. Enough, already.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Cindy McCain Rubs Me the Wrong Way

She hasn’t done anything particularly wrong during her speech (yet), but I have an instinctive repulsion to her Stepford/trophy wife aesthetics. I know this isn’t particularly fair, but what can I say? I am a disaffected, got-less-sex-than-I-wanted-in-high-school kinda guy. Damn you for not giving me the time of day in AP American History, Cindy McCain!

Also? The way she’s delivering this speech comes off like a informercial or a bad talk show.  Me no like.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

Palin As Obama? Heck No

The site Right Wing News has compiled some reactions from right-wing bloggers to Palin’s RNC speech last night. Naturally, they’re thrilled by it. But perhaps the most disturbing reaction that I can find comes from William Lobdell, who was a reporter for the L.A. Times for 14 years:

Palin has just hijacked the presidential campaign. I’ve got a skeptical, Obama-loving wife and some liberal sons, and they all think she killed it...Palin has managed to make Obama look insignificant, McCain appear heroic, and herself: a grassroots American who won’t back down from a fight.

…I wasn’t prepared to like her, and I don’t. I LOVE her.

Governor’s jet on E-Bay? Classic.

Do you hear that? It’s America falling in love with Sarah Palin.

So far, she’s killing it.

Why so disturbing? Because Lobdell was an actual reporter, not just a blogosphere wingnut. And he’s falling for Palin’s “I’m a tough mama, Obama’s a pussy, and that’s all you need to know” act, hook line and sinker.

So, apparently, is Chuck Todd over at MSNBC, who says that “Conservatives have found their Obama.” Oh, come on. Her speech was competent and decently delivered, but so what? I agree with Timothy Noah that there’s no way this speech wouldn’t go over-praised if it was delivered with even the merest hint of gusto (which it was).

Why? Because expectations were set so low for Palin. Continue reading

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, John McCain, Media Coverage, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , , | Leave a comment