Political Deformity

A Handshake of Carbon Monoxide

Exclusive: Leaked Early, Different Draft of Palin’s RNC Speech

With the help of some super-inside GOP operatives, I managed to snag the first draft of Sarah Palin’s speech from the RNC last week. It’s thematically identical to the speech she actually gave, also some of the language is a bit less nuanced. This unedited draft provides good insight into what Palin’s true platform is, before politicos get their hands on it to try and slicken up the message. Full text follows.

Thank you, thank you. I’m so honored to be here, and to run alongside someone like John McCain. For a small-town, gun-loving, baby-keeping hockey mom like me, this is just a dream come true.

I want to begin by asking you–all of you, from the folks in this hall to the American people watching at home–one important question: did you know John McCain was a POW?

It’s true! He was captured and tortured by the Vietnamese. It was a really, really harrowing experience, and it taught him everything he needs to know about helping a country of 300 million people avoid economic recession and lower health care costs.

But enough about John McCain, let’s talk about me: I’m from Alaska! How friggin’ cool is that? I’m just like you, only more backwards! I shoot moose for fun. It’s so awesome. I love guns. Like, seriously, I just love them.

And hey, you know who I’d really like to shoot? Barack Obama. What a fucking loser! What a turd! What a nobody! Harvard Law, community organizer, state senator, full Senator, and winner of a rough-and-tumble Democratic primary? Please! What’s he ever done? He’s a poopface. Do you want a poopface for president? No! All he does is talk–blah, blah, blah. But we all know that speeches don’t make good leaders!

Hey, isn’t this speech so great? I am totally qualified to be second-in-line for the presidency because this speech is so good. (Barack Obama is a poopface!)

Let’s talk about something serious for a second: e-bay. Did you know that I put the state jet up for auction on e-bay? Isn’t that bad-ass?! Think about all the other things I can hawk to the highest bidder if I’m vice-president, like America’s credibility.

Let’s be clear about something: John McCain is ready to lead because he was tortured in Vietnam, and I am ready to lead because I tried to sell something on e-bay and my son plays hockey. Barack Obama is not ready to lead, because he is a poopface. The choice is clear.

I mean, come on! He wrote two books! Two! Do we really want someone who’s thoughtful and reflective in the White House? There’s an old saying in Wasilla: thinking is for Communists, terrorists, and fags. This has been scientifically verified by my pastor. Let me tell you, when I’m out in the woods looking for moose or cheering alongside the hockey rink and calling for the blood of teenagers to be spilled in a bare-knuckle brawl, I’m not doing a whole lot of thinking.

Look, I know that America is a crossroads. We’re entering a recession and our health care costs are skyrocketing, as are the ranks of the uninsured; our international credibility is at an all-time low, and we’re fighting multiple wars; faith in Congress and our leaders has hit rock-bottom; and so on. That’s exactly why you need to vote for me: I am totally, 100% pro-life.

With so many problems in the U.S. right now, there is nothing more important than demanding that women who become pregnant give birth to children who will likely grow up in circumstances not conducive to their welfare and healthy development. We cannot lose sight of our priorities! Like electing a hockey mom who tried to sell something on e-bay, and who is not a poopface like that fucker Barack Obama. Asshole thinks he can just come from nowhere and make a big splash on the national stage? That’s ridiculous! His kids don’t even play hockey!

Think fast: what’s the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Dogs can’t use computers, and thus can’t put items up for auction on e-bay. Barack Obama is a poopface.

In closing, you don’t want Barack Obama to be president. He is a poopface. I am not. I am one tough-ass bitch, and if you fuck with me I’ll body check you, shoot you, or put you on e-bay. Think about it: I am so hot and yet such a bad-ass. Don’t I just give you a huge boner? This November, vote with your boner.

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September 7, 2008 Posted by | Humor, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Community Service Is No Joke

Read this. It’s important.

September 5, 2008 Posted by | Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Rudy!

McCain and Palin are walking around and waving as the theme from “Rudy” plays in the background. I would have preferred the theme to “Jurassic Park.” Because McCain is really old, get it? GET IT?

Good.

UPDATE: Christ Almighty, now they’re playing “Barracuda.” That’s almost as clumsily literal-minded as my Jurassic Park joke.

UPDATE 2: I just realized that “Rudy” could be construed as a reference to Rudy Giuliani. It’s not. I’m talking about this.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: McCain Goes Obama

McCain is now talking about how he wants to work with Democrats to do the peoples’ work, partisanship-be-damned. He says he’ll take anyone’s hand to get things done, that he’ll have Democrats in his administration, and that everyone needs to work together for the sake of change.

Surely it’s a sign that Republicans are panicking if they’re lifting, wholesale, Barack Obama’s central campaign message, no?

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, John McCain | , , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: McCain Doesn’t Do Arenas

John McCain really isn’t cut out for big, spectacle orations. He’s to sneery, and his voice is too much of a hiss–I feel like his cadence and tone always comes off like he’s scolding someone. It’s strangely patronizing…I can’t quite put my finger on it. But you can understand why he prefers town halls to large-scale speeches: he’s much more suited for in-your-face commentary than the broad, epic rhetoric of arena-style politics. His voice just doesn’t carry, and his rhythm doesn’t flow like Obama’s.

Whaddya think, am I being too harsh?

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Heeeere’s Johnny!

Okay, first off: George W. Bush is getting applause for his leadership after 9/11. Yes, seriously.

Second: McCain’s smile terrifies me. It always looks like he’s trying to hide something, or trying to not fall into a murderous fit of rage. Exhibit A:

Only thing creepier? His use of “My Friends.”

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

Why I Like Barack Obama

The RNC has been a very juvenile exercise: lots of chest-beating, derision and slander directed toward Democrats, and a whole lot of desperate attempts at self-affirmation. So how does Barack Obama respond? Why, by splashing a well-worded dose of reality on the proceedings:

Barack Obama said Thursday that attacks on him at this week’s Republican National Convention were no big deal: “I’ve been called worse on the basketball court,” he told reporters at an afternoon press conference.

“What did you guys expect?” he asked, smiling, “This is what they do. They don’t have an agenda to run on. They haven’t offered a single concrete idea so far in two nights about how they would make the lives of middle class Americans better. They’ve spent the entire two nights attacking me or extolling John McCain’s biography, which is fine. They can use their convention time any way they want.”

I like this: he’s calling a spade a spade, and noting that the Republican Convention really is politics as usual for the GOP. The Republicans are itching to bring him down to their level, where they can sling mud in his face. I’m glad he’s not biting–at this point, the Republican playbook has become downright predictable.

Here Obama comes across as the more mature, serious candidate–at a time when America’s problems demand a mature, serious response. So keep throwing your tantrums, Republicans–they only make you look more ineffective and delusional.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, Republicans | , , | 2 Comments

RNC Live: Biography Overload

Okay, I can’t take this anymore. The entire RNC is built around the idea that the Republican candidates–and even their families–are people you should like and admire, regardless of where they stand on particular issues. Cindy McCain is now lauding her children for serving in Iraq, as though the service of her son is an indication of her husband’s competence as would-be president.

Now she’s saying that her father was “a true Western gentleman” and that “his handshake was his solemn oath.” OKAY! I GET IT! The pedigree of the Republican candidates is impeccable! These are ‘good, decent people.’

But come on! The economy is entering a recession and wages have stagnated since the 1970s; we’re spending an unsustainable $2.1 trillion on health care and almost one-fifth of America lacks health insurance; one out of every 99 Americans is in prison; we’re fighting two wars at once–three, if you count the so-called ‘Global War on Terror’ as its own entity; and we have a deep, possibly unsalvageable, deficit.

Tell me, Cindy McCain, how is your father’s firm handshake going to address these problems?

Really, to ignore these issues in favor of lauding your family tree–which has been a recurring strategy of this Republican Convention–is just disgraceful. Enough, already.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , , | Leave a comment

RNC Live: Cindy McCain Rubs Me the Wrong Way

She hasn’t done anything particularly wrong during her speech (yet), but I have an instinctive repulsion to her Stepford/trophy wife aesthetics. I know this isn’t particularly fair, but what can I say? I am a disaffected, got-less-sex-than-I-wanted-in-high-school kinda guy. Damn you for not giving me the time of day in AP American History, Cindy McCain!

Also? The way she’s delivering this speech comes off like a informercial or a bad talk show.  Me no like.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | John McCain, Republicans | , , | Leave a comment

Palin As Obama? Heck No

The site Right Wing News has compiled some reactions from right-wing bloggers to Palin’s RNC speech last night. Naturally, they’re thrilled by it. But perhaps the most disturbing reaction that I can find comes from William Lobdell, who was a reporter for the L.A. Times for 14 years:

Palin has just hijacked the presidential campaign. I’ve got a skeptical, Obama-loving wife and some liberal sons, and they all think she killed it...Palin has managed to make Obama look insignificant, McCain appear heroic, and herself: a grassroots American who won’t back down from a fight.

…I wasn’t prepared to like her, and I don’t. I LOVE her.

Governor’s jet on E-Bay? Classic.

Do you hear that? It’s America falling in love with Sarah Palin.

So far, she’s killing it.

Why so disturbing? Because Lobdell was an actual reporter, not just a blogosphere wingnut. And he’s falling for Palin’s “I’m a tough mama, Obama’s a pussy, and that’s all you need to know” act, hook line and sinker.

So, apparently, is Chuck Todd over at MSNBC, who says that “Conservatives have found their Obama.” Oh, come on. Her speech was competent and decently delivered, but so what? I agree with Timothy Noah that there’s no way this speech wouldn’t go over-praised if it was delivered with even the merest hint of gusto (which it was).

Why? Because expectations were set so low for Palin. Continue reading

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Barack Obama, John McCain, Media Coverage, Republicans, Sarah Palin | , , , | Leave a comment